It’s a great thing when children set goals and standards for themselves, but what happens when your child is a perfectionist? This month, Ouiam El Hassani tells us about the different kinds of perfectionism and how we can best parent our perfectionist kids.
Does your child have impossibly high standards for themselves? Do they worry about disappointing their teacher, push themselves to the breaking point or internalise failure as something immovable within themselves? This impulse to make everything “right” is more common in kids than we might think.
As parents, we want to have high expectations for our kids, while also helping our children accept the imperfect and not be afraid to make mistakes. It is, after all, how we grow. However, for kids who have a tendency toward perfectionism—or who get angry when they make mistakes or feel frustrated when something isn’t correct, getting the message across that it’s okay to mess up sometimes can be tricky.
But first, let’s understand what perfectionism in children looks like. Over the years, three types of perfectionism have been identified:
1. Internally Driven Perfectionism
This child’s perfectionism stems from their own expectations for themselves. They’re highly motivated and likely to get upset if there is even one mistake in their work.
2. Externally Driven Perfectionism
This child’s perfectionism is driven by external forces. They believe that their parents and/or teachers have extremely high expectations for them. They are concerned that if they don’t do their best, then their parents will be disappointed in them.
3. Mixed Perfectionism
Children in this last category are a combination of the other two types. They are both hard on themselves and believe that their parents/teachers have high expectations for them.
Of course, having high expectations for a child isn’t inherently bad; however, when those expectations are tied to affection and warmth, the child comes to believe that their parents’ love hinges on their success. It raises the stakes for the child to the point that they link failure to irreversible damage to their relationship with their parents.
Many children who are perfectionists are likely to have perfectionist parents. If you see your own child picking up on your perfectionist tendencies, don’t be hard on yourself. It may be overwhelming to try to do everything “right” as a parent—but when you make a mistake, acknowledge it, learn from it and move on. Just as a child can pick up on negative traits, they can also pick up on positive strategies to mitigate them.
Perfectionism isn’t always a bad thing. Children who are perfectionists are most likely to be highly motivated, have strong problem-solving skills and have high self-efficacy, meaning that they tend to believe that they are likely to succeed when they confront an obstacle or task.
Parents of perfectionist kids have a big role in helping their children. These few steps can reap great results:
1- Be mindful of how you react to your child’s mistakes.
Do you signal your disappointment in your body language or in what you say to them? To help them approach difficult problems the best thing to do is reminding them that you’re there to support them.
2- Pay attention to how you praise your child.
Specific, process-oriented praise reminds children that mistakes are an opportunity to learn, rather than a sign of failure. When a child works on
a puzzle, instead of saying, “You’re so smart,” try saying, “I love how you tried so many different combinations of pieces!” Not only is this much more specific, it also refers to the process of problem-solving.
Praising intelligence, on the other hand, can lead children to believe that their success hinges on a trait. When they eventually fail (and they will, for sure!), their failure will threaten their view of themselves as smart. They’ll be less likely to take on challenges and less likely to persevere when a task is difficult.
3- Remind your child that your love for them is unconditional.
This is especially important for children whose perfectionism is externally driven. They may need reminders that even if they don’t do well, you’ll still love them.
It is a wonderful thing to have children who can set higher standards and goals for themselves in order to achieve success, the only problem that arises is when these goals are unrealistic. Happy parenting!
