One of the biggest milestones in the life of a child is potty training. It is something they all have to go through at some point in their lives, yet it is something all parents are stressed and overwhelmed by.
Before I dig any deeper, I first would like to talk about the kids’ incredible awareness at this very early stage of their lives. Contrary to what we might think, they can sense and figure out when we – as parents – have our own agendas and projects when it comes to their lives or their little bodies. They know exactly when we are trying to make them do something, or when we are trying to make something happen, and the one thing they know very well how to do is to resist. This is their way to individuate. Resisting these agendas is an essential part of their development and the first step to learn how to emancipate themselves from their parents, and towards some more autonomy, which is very healthy and important.
Now if we get back to the subject of toilet training, every mother takes this matter very seriously. There is a whole world out there about toilet training.
There is a lot of literature about the subject, tons of books that make bestsellers just because the title includes the words “potty training”. There are mysterious tricks and tactics about how to do the whole thing in three days, there are different methods and philosophies out there, yet if we want to really understand the whole toilet training idea, it is something that we CAN’T control, nor can it be forced on someone, let alone a child who, by nature, is going to resist every single action you take as their guardian. The solution is way simpler than we think. As simple as: Let the child decide their own fate. Simply have no agenda and allow this to be the child’s agenda and decision. Give them all the power and the time they need in this situation and let them know that you believe in them and that you trust that they will do it whenever they are ready, whenever they feel empowered by their bodies to do so.
One of the many reasons that children might not be ready for toilet training is when they feel that they are still babies, and they still want to be babies, especially when there is another baby at home. Another reason is that this period is already a very confusing time for a two- or three-year-old toddler – therefore very sensitive and overwhelming – and any attempt to add anything to that mix will be doomed to failure. There is also much scientific research around the subject, stating that kids need to be physically ready before starting that very agonising process, and that early training can be harmful or at least take much longer than when the kids are ready.
Usually early training results in accidents all over the place, disappointed parents and uncomfortable kids. Children can sense when their parents are not too happy with them, and will simply go into denial mode, which will only create a very unsafe environment for the child, and will expose them to the true definition of failure, as opposed to honouring and empowering the child by trusting them to move at their own pace and by trusting them to do it whenever they are ready. Allowing children to achieve these developmental stages in their own way and time is essential for their confidence and self-esteem in the future. So, before you get all geared up and ready for the ‘Ultimate Potty Training’ experience, please check first if your child is ready and willing to go down this path with you.
