Whining is universally considered one of the most irritating sounds in the world. This is not an accident! Research shows that whining is the perfect sound for eliciting a fast response from parents. It is almost impossible to ignore. Our children have developed to make a sound like this because their needs at that moment really are urgent. We’re not supposed to be ignoring them!
Whining is often a preschooler’s most efficient means of communication. It is an important milestone on the way to being able to communicate their needs entirely by speech.
When we bring home our newborn baby, we understand that crying is their only means to communicate with us. Toddlers and preschoolers are well on their way adding speech to their list of tools, but have not yet developed enough to use these tools in moments of feeling powerless or unheard. This is when we will hear them whine. Yes, it is not fun. And yes, it is not easy. But no one can deny that ALL toddlers (and even older children sometimes) do it, and excel at it.
If we can hold on to that same understanding we had when they were babies – that they are communicating to the very best of their abilities – we will be far better equipped to take a measured approach when moving forwards to meet their needs.
For this reason, we are best not to follow the often-spouted advice of “tell them to use a big voice” or “let them know you can’t understand them”. Trust in your children that they are already speaking as well as they can, in that moment, and that asking them to do better will only increase their feelings of powerlessness or being unheard. In the child’s world, his parents are his rescuers and his protectors, so if, when he is feeling vulnerable and weak, his parents add to his misery instead of helping him, it might create trust issues later in the child’s life.
Instead we can tell our children what we do understand from their message. We understand that they are having a hard time and need our help.
Whining isn’t really about the ball or the cookie or wrong coloured plate. It is a representation of a deeper need. Meet their whining with empathy and try to evaluate the need that lies buried underneath their requests for help. Is your child hungry, tired, bored or over-stimulated? Is something bothering him from school that day? Is he coming down with flu? So many other factors can play a big role in making the much-dreaded whining appear.
If it’s not any of these, it’s likely they are needing nothing more than your full attention and the time taken to connect. While it is physically impossible to leave every other duty we have as mums, and stay glued to our kids all the time; we can take five minutes to simply give the child a really big hug or to sit with him making him feel safe and loved, before we rush back to all the things we need to do and finish.
A common myth is that whining can be used as a means of manipulation or that our children can be “fake whining”. There really is no such thing as fake communication. A request for attention is a genuine need and offering our children that attention in difficult times lets them know that they will always have our support and helps build on healthy attachment.
If we are starting to feel like our children are whining all day long that is a perfect sign that we need to put aside some extra time for one-on-one connection, and for making sure we have reached their emotional needs. While perfection is not the goal here – we all know that – we can however always try our best, every single day.
Chanelmama
