Ouiam El Hassani gives us some tips to peacefully parent your child without losing your mind
Is there such a thing as a child that isn’t at least occasionally strong-willed? These children can be a handful – highly energetic, challenging, persistent. How do we protect those fabulous qualities while encouraging their cooperation?
While they can be a challenge when they’re young, as long as parents resist the impulse to “break their will,” they often become terrific teens, young adults and soon enough… leaders. Self-motivated and inner-directed, they go after what they want and are almost impervious to peer pressure.
What exactly is a ‘strong-willed child’?
Strong-willed children want to learn things for themselves rather than accepting what others say, often putting limits to the test. They want desperately to be in charge of themselves, sometimes putting their desire to be right above everything else and are prone to power struggles with their parents.
However, it takes two to have a power struggle. You don’t have to attend every argument to which you’re invited! Take a deep breath when your buttons get pushed, and learn to sidestep them.
Here are some tips for peacefully parenting your strong-willed, spirited child:
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Remember that strong-willed kids are experiential learners.
That means they have to see things for themselves. So, unless you’re worried about serious injury, it’s more effective to let them learn through experience, instead of trying to control them.
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Your strong-willed child wants mastery more than anything.
Let them take charge of as many of their own activities as possible. Kids who feel more independent and in charge of themselves will have less need to be oppositional. Not to mention, they take responsibility early.
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Give your strong-willed child choices.
If you give orders, your child will almost certainly bristle. If you offer a choice, they’ll feel like the master of their own destiny. Looking for win-win solutions rather than just laying down the law keeps strong-willed children from becoming explosive and teaches them essential skills of negotiation and compromise. That being said, make some ‘Rules of the House’, too. That way you aren’t the bad guy bossing them around – they’re just the rules.
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Don’t push them into opposing you.
Kids don’t learn when they’re in the middle of a fight as that’s when adrenaline is pumping and learning shuts off. Kids behave because they want to please us. So, the more you fight with and punish your child, the more you undermine his/her desire to please you.If you take a hard and fast position, you can easily push your child into defying you. You’ll know when it’s a power struggle and you’re invested in winning. Just stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that winning a battle with your child always sets you up to lose what’s most important: the relationship.
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Listen to them.
You, as the adult, might reasonably presume you know best. However, strong-willed children are resolute partly due to their integrity. They have an opinion that is making them hold fast to their position. Only by listening calmly and reflecting on their words will you understand what’s causing the opposition.
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Offer them respect and empathy.
Most strong-willed children are fighting for respect. If you offer it to them, they don’t need to fight to protect their position. And, like the rest of us, it helps a lot if they feel understood.
Does this sound like Permissive Parenting? It isn’t. You set limits, but you set them with understanding your child’s perspective, making them more cooperative. You want to raise a child who has self-discipline, takes responsibility, is considerate, and most importantly – has the discernment to figure out who to trust and when to be influenced by someone else.
