All our lives, we’ve been taught that winning is the key to success. Quite the contrary to this popular teaching, Ouiam El Hassani explains how teaching our kids how to lose can be the best thing we do for them.
Whether it’s a fierce family board game or cheering from the field’s sidelines, it’s fun to watch your kids learn to compete. Games and competitive sports are fun, and they can help foster self-esteem and feelings of accomplishment for children. But what happens when your child responds to a victory by bragging—or a loss with a tantrum? I am certain we were all there at some point, but what to do?
As parents, it can be hard to see your child act like a so-called “sore loser,” but the truth is that teaching children to lose graciously is an essential part of growing up. It’s a developmental milestone that can take some time and practice for children to master (and let’s face it, some adults could use a little refresher too).
It’s normal for kids to have feelings about losing, but how you respond to those feelings can shape their future attitude. No one likes to lose, not our children and not us. But as parents, it is vital that we validate their feelings too and model desirable behaviours. So, what are you supposed to do when your child throws a tantrum after losing?
Empathising and making your child feel understood is the first step. Still, it’s important to set boundaries around acceptable behaviour or what’s off limits for your family: name calling, physical aggression or any other destructive behaviour. Let them feel all the feels, then help them find healthy ways to deal with their emotions. Some coping strategies include using words to express their feelings or breathing exercises (mamas can use these too).
Teaching this behaviour starts with parents because those little eyes watch everything we do. Model good sportsmanship yourself and manage your own emotional response. Congratulate the winner even if it’s not your player or your child’s team, cheer on other players, and don’t yell if you don’t agree with the call.
Letting your child win all the time doesn’t teach them how to lose, in fact, it doesn’t teach them anything at all. We’ve all been there, especially with younger kids. You want them to succeed so badly that you give them an extra turn or let them win, maybe to avoid a tantrum, but it’s not doing them any favours. Letting your child win sometimes is OK, but if they never experience losing then you might be actually harming them. We falsely inflate their ego and forfeit teaching our children some critical life lessons, like learning how to fail.
Life is full of failure, that’s how we grow and learn, and we want our children to have the tools to deal with it. Our job as parents is to prepare our children for the real world. Our children need to know that they are good, capable and smart, whether they win or they lose.
Sports teams are a great way to learn about cooperation and competition, but a child’s age can dictate how they understand and process the concept. Preschoolers and young children are more likely to have a tantrum or pout after losing. Younger children are egocentric, so they believe the world revolves around them. Teaching them about the importance of teams and cooperation in a group setting can be fun, but a non-competitive environment is best.
However, with older children, it is best to offer them all kinds of opportunities and to gently push them to try different things even if the outcome is uncertain. Highlight that the efforts made during the game are the real achievement and they should be proud of that.
In general – as with any other skill – time and patience should be your best friends when teaching your kids how to lose gracefully.
