Ouiam Charkani El Hassani on letting boys express their emotions.
Don’t cry! You’re a man! Men should be tough! Pull yourself together! How many times have we heard these ugly sentences? How many times have we been judged for having a crying little boy? How many times have family members told our boys to “toughen up”?
As the mother of a young boy myself, I have heard so many times that my boy is too sensitive, too sweet, I even heard that he was too empathetic! Just because he is a BOY! If he were a girl, things would be way different. While I take those nasty comments as compliments, some other people might not.
People wonder why boys are more aggressive, more combative and more violent than girls. Some think it’s just the work of nature. But there’s more to it than that. Indeed, there’s a scientific reason for it.
Boys and girls respond to stress differently, especially in the early years. When younger females (and also during puberty) get upset, the thing that lights up in their brain is the words centre. They easily and very quickly come up with words, explaining how they feel or saying words to express themselves.
While for boys, they instantly go to their limbic brain, which is the emotional centre, where the amygdala lights up. Then they use their body to release that energy. For boys, the ability to identify what they are feeling, then express it, is definitely more difficult and a longer to process than for girls.
For example, young boys experience hunger differently than girls. For boys, hunger can be a big trigger to their nervous system. They can be very upset and impatient, if they are hungry and mummy is taking a little too long to bring that snack. They may want to kick and shout, as a sign of how urgent the situation is, to them. Whereas with girls, things are different.
When we tell our boys to not cry, we shut down their capability to express vulnerable feelings, making the situation more difficult for them. That comes at a cost later. What boys learn when we tell them not to cry is actually more “don’t trust yourself”, “don’t trust your feelings”, “you shouldn’t be comfortable in your skin”.
We are, in fact, invalidating a normal human experience, we are denying them the permission to let go of the energy bubbling up inside of them, leaving them no other choice than to kick, push, scream and be mad. So not only are they sad now, but they have suddenly also become wrong, mad, and they now know that they’re not supposed to share their feelings with anyone, not even the people closest to them, the ones they look up to, their parents.
Sometimes it is good for our boys to deal with sadness. It is a great way to explain to them that sadness is an ache in the heart, just like any other physical pain. It hurts, and sometimes it goes away on its own. Sometimes we need to stomp our feet, sometimes we need to run and some other times we need to cry and shed tears, and that is absolutely OK.
Whether it is losing a football game, having a big fall or losing a pet, being able to go through these episodes early on in life, helps the boys later on in so many ways. It increases their emotional intelligence, as well as their empathy towards others. It also makes connection, with friends and spouses, easier and more natural.
Vulnerability is the core of any deep relationship, but when boys are taught not to show that side of them, it becomes harder and harder to make deep connections as they grow older.
Giving your boy a shoulder to cry on, instead of telling them to man up, enables them to feel safe and to become calmer and more compassionate in the future.
