To help children learn the value of honesty and integrity, aside from modeling these very values in daily interactions, it is also helpful to understand the different types of lies. Ouiam El Hassani explains why children lie and what reactions can be helpful or hurtful.
Children will lie, tell fibs, stretch a tale and tattle-tale—it’s actually a sign of intelligence. Nevertheless, lying is sometimes inappropriate and as parents it can be difficult to deal with lies.
Lies can come in many shapes and forms—fantasy, wishful thinking, a way to deal with hurt feelings, or the hopes of avoiding consequences and punishment. What they all have in common is the fact that lies are words strung together to create a reality in your child’s mind and world.
Children are not always lying to be deceitful, dishonest or bad. Recognising the type of lie can be a really powerful tool to best deal with the situation at hand.
Children lie as a means of exploring fantasy and their imagination
“I just saw a hippopotamus cross the street and put on a purple hat.” or “There is a space alien living inside my closet and who likes to eat pizza.” These lies are fantasies, stories or imaginative play at its very best! These are commonly told by preschoolers and are an exploration of reality and fantasy.
What to do: These lies can be left alone or simply used to fuel an imaginative conversation.
What to avoid: Try not to tell your child they are being ridiculous or silly as it can crush their creativity and these fibs are actually very healthy expressions of play.
Children tell lies as expressions of wishful thinking
“At my friend’s house, their mom said I can have 10 pieces of candy and don’t need to brush my teeth.” Such lies are reflections of what a child is wishing for.
What to do: Acknowledge the ideas behind the lies while also offering alternatives that are empathetic and reflect your values.
For instance, you can trying saying, “Oh 10 pieces of candy would be delicious and tooth brushing can take a while. It’s just not healthy for you, I care about you and your teeth. How about two pieces of candy and we can sing a song while brushing?”
It’s perfectly okay to stick to your values and set a limit. What is important is to recognise your child’s wishes and communicate that so he knows you are listening.
What to avoid: Try not to lecture or tell your child their wishes are unimportant.
Lying to avoid punishment and/or consequences
Often children will lie to get their way, to make sure the outcome is in their favour or most commonly to avoid being punished.
What to do: If you know that your child is lying and they have acted in a way that has broken, destroyed or otherwise harmed something or someone it can be really beneficial to just listen at first.
Ask sincerely: “What can you tell me about this?” to start a dialogue. If you have encouraged your child to tell the truth in the past it is likely that they will once again cooperate with you.
If you have used punishment in the past, it’s never too late to look at positive alternatives. Go ahead and explain to your child that you value and welcome honesty.
Then follow-through with your words (otherwise it would be modeling how to lie) and find an appropriate solution with your child. How can you help your child repair the situation? How can you encourage your child to make amends for telling a lie and to whoever may have been hurt by the lie?
What to avoid: Calling your child a liar or demanding the truth and immediately punishing is likely to teach your child to be sneakier the next time around. It creates a negative cycle of communication to avoid punishment. There is a more positive and helpful way to help your child learn to tell the truth.
Trust your child’s ability to learn the value of honesty, problem solving and to do better next time.
