The rise of all things digital can have its perks, but also adds a fresh concern for parents. Woman This Month Parenting Columnist, Ouiam El Hassani, shares her thoughts on when it’s acceptable to go through your kid’s phone.
The problem with phones is that they are so incredibly necessary. Want to limit your kid’s sugar intake? It’s doable, just keep candy out of the house. Want your kids to lead an active lifestyle? Also, doable; just enroll them in a fitness or dance class that they’re interested in. Want to keep them away from mobile phones? Well then, they can’t do their homework, check in with social groups, or text or call you, ever… and the list goes on.
Unlike my first mobile phone, a flip phone that could only send and receive a few texts a month, phones are so advanced now that they come with an ever-changing, unique set of problems that can seem overwhelming for already stretched-thin parents.
You could read all the texts on your teen’s phone and still not know what they’re up to if you didn’t check WhatsApp or their TikTok DMs. And that’s assuming you even know the right apps-of-the-moment to look at. Not to mention, the act of going through their phone in the first place could be seen as a huge breach of trust by your kids. After all, you wouldn’t demand to read their private diaries, so is a phone any different? What’s a worried parent to do?
Should parents check their child’s phone? The answer is complicated as it depends on the situation.
You need to consider several factors, including age, whether going through their phone is a part of your family agreement when they received their phone, and if they will be present while you go through it.
With technology comes some amount of risk, and going through a child’s phone can help kids navigate this responsibility safely. It’s important for parents to be clear on their intentions before going through their child’s phone, it’s one thing to be on the lookout for potential risk factors, and quite another to seek out your child’s secrets through confidential texts with friends.
Luckily, there are ways to develop safe boundaries for parents and kids, but it may take some trial and error. Here’s what you can do:
1. Start with communication and listen to their input. The most respectful way that a parent can go through their child’s phone is by practicing open communication.
2. Children should be made aware when they get their first phone, that their parents may go through their phone from time to time. Parents can emphasise that the reason they are going through their phone is because safety is important to them and that they want to teach their children to be good digital citizens.
3. Educate them on the dangers of some online interactions. It’s also important for parents to highlight that going through their child’s phone is not a punishment of any kind, but a way to protect them.
4. Secretly checking their phone is not OK, a better idea is to look at the device together, as it’s an opportunity to build trust and communication. Snooping bypasses both, trust and communication, and often does more harm to the parent-child relationship than good.
5. You need to understand that age isn’t as important as your child’s developmental functioning and overall maturity. Like many other aspects of childhood, phones require earned trust from adults.
Younger children will likely require more monitoring as they learn the rules and boundaries, and parents may begin to feel more comfortable with less phone
monitoring as kids grow older and consistently show they are trustworthy with their phones. An example of this could look like limiting the number of apps allowed for an elementary-aged child or restricting their phone use to calls and texts only, then doing more frequent phone checks to ensure that they understand the rules and boundaries.
6. Talk to your kids about what they see on their phones. Instead of having a power- based relationship where the parents control everything, you can create a healthier two-way form of communication with your child. This can help establish a regular dialogue with your child built around trust, openness and safety. However, paif a parent suspects that their child or another child is in any kind of risky or dangerous situation then parents must check their kids phone usage, search history and social media to intervene.
No matter what, it’s important to stay open and honest with your kids so they feel trusted and respected. All children should be aware of their parents’ monitoring tactics regardless of age.
Start there, and you’ll set your kids up for success.
