At some point, your children will have difficulty sleeping through the night. It will happen at different ages for different children, but there is usually some way you can help.
Most children struggle at some time or another with sleeping through the night. Of course, when infants are very young, they need to wake several times in the night to feed and be reassured that their parents are close. The need for reassurance does not always disappear at the same age for all children. Furthermore, during critical times — times of change or pressure — children can need that little bit of extra nurturing and help them get to sleep or return to sleep once they wake. The focus of this article is to help healthy children (and parents) overcome patterns of interrupted sleep.
After about six months, unless your baby is ill or underweight, s/he is capable of sleeping through the night, most of the time. A regular sleep pattern can be interrupted during times of growth spurts, travelling and change. Children vary greatly in how much sleep they need, but by this age, most parents should also be returning to a good, uninterrupted seven-hour stretch of sleep too. Once you reach this milestone it feels marvellous, but before you do, the regularly interrupted nights will leave you feeling tired and irritable.
Many children experience feelings that prevent them from sleeping through the night at least some of the time. Most parents do whatever they can to get their little ones back to sleep — allow them to cuddle in their bed, make sure they are fed and watered, check the room’s temperature and lighting, ensure the desired cuddly toy or blanket is in close to their child. For some babies and children, though, parents try for months to patiently accommodate their needs, followed by frustration and mounting stress because neither they nor their child can sleep through the night. It can get to a point where something has to change for survival.
Children need us to respond to them
As a parent, you want to help your child learn to go to sleep unaided, with sleeping through the night as your ultimate goal. However, there are so many books which give different advice, so it can be hard to decide which approach to take. These “experts” suggest such things as controlled crying or letting the child cry for a period of time to see if they return to sleep unaided and extending the time they are alone in his/her own bed or cot, without response from a parent. Many parents can’t bear to do this. It doesn’t sit well with their instinct to help and to be trustworthy when children need reassurance. On the other hand, some babies and children take to this method very quickly, even from the first night it is tried.
Other “experts” believe that parents should respond every time a child cries. This is because children need to know that we will be there for them. And yet, many parents have gone through stages of returning to their child, hour after hour, when basic needs have been met and the child is just developing a dependency on their presence.
The main message is that there is no right or wrong way. It’s about how you feel as a parent, whilst knowing that what you are doing is for the best for your child. Keep in mind that children who sleep well are usually less tired and happier during day, so whichever method works is probably the best.
I will stay until you fall asleep
An alternative and supportive way to handle a child’s sleep troubles is one that allows your child to get rid of the tension that wakes them, and allows you to help him recover and sleep peacefully. This is obviously easier when children can articulate what they want or need.
It argues that when children can’t sleep through the night (and there are no health or developmental issues), the cause is most likely some kind of emotional tension that bubbles up in the child’s mind during sleep. Children’s tensions are relieved when an adult can stay close and listen to how the child feels. The crying and struggling that children do actually heals their fear and grief; it gets it out. Those feelings have sprung from some difficult or unresolved time, either recent or in the past. Sometimes a parent’s tiredness or impending work schedule impedes this method — often we just want them back to sleep as quickly as possible. Does this mean that, sometimes, parents work against the child’s own instinct to get rid of bad feelings? If parents try to solve the problem quickly, by offering food or allowing the child to sleep with them, it can become a long-term issue — the pent up tension can become an issue if it is not dealt with directly.
Healthy families in many cultures allow children to sleep with parents, but the good effects of sleeping close together can be negated if no-one sleeps well in that arrangement. Again, discovering what works for you and your family is most important here, as well as being consistent with your children.
Help your child talk about feelings
When children know you are truly listening, they often cry harder. Your loving attention is reassuring enough to let them tackle big feelings of fear and grief. It will take courage on your part to trust that your child knows what s/he’s doing as s/he cries that hard with your support. It’s about learning the different cries and knowing that sometimes, crying is attention seeking, but also therapeutic. A passionate cry in your arms will help your child relax, trust you, and see the world as a safer place. All they need is for you to be close and confident that all is well.
And in the dark hours…
Getting rid of bad sleeping habits may not happen overnight. Consider this a project that may take from one night to two weeks. When your child wakes, go to them and make close physical and eye contact. Reassure them and tell them it’s OK to go back to sleep; that you are right there. Listen to him/her cry. If your child is crying vigorously, you may be able to bring him into your arms and hold him while he cries. If the crying continues, it might be that they have feelings that they need to release and being held by you, while comforting, may not prevent this. Other children stop crying the moment they are held close. If your child stops crying in your arms, remind him/her that it’s time to go back to sleep, and move slowly toward putting him/her back to bed. Keep moving until s/he remembers the feeling s/he’s working through. And for some children there are no cries at all, they may just need to be awake for a while and see you before they return to restful sleep. Remember, as you listen, that your child has everything they need.
Listening to a child’s feelings
How many nights of crying your child has, depends on factors you can’t know ahead of time. There is no way to gauge the size and depth of the feelings s/he carries. Sometimes night disturbances come out of the blue with no apparent reason. For some children, it happens often and for others, it’s just occasional.
You may feel the need to cry yourself. That’s fine if it happens. Seek support from friends and family who can mentor you through a tricky time. This is most beneficial when you are bringing up your first child. Listen to tips and allow suggestions you are not comfortable with to wash over you as well. Remember that you are not alone; there will be many millions of parents around the world awake with you during the night!
